Skipper

I've kept quiet about the Ashes to date-see Vaughany there, kissing them goodbye- but a journo mate of mine has concocted a 'National Emergency 10 point Plan' of the kind Oswald Mosley might have produced had be been living now; it amused me enough to reproduce it below:

These are dark days.

Here is what must be done, as first steps, to secure this nation's future:

1. The foreign Womble-lookalike Fletcher must be arrested and executed.

2. Osama bin Laden's henchman Mahmood, who leaked the battleplans to Al Jazeera, must be interned at Guantanamo.

3. The nancy boy Harmison must be publicly and ritually dee-bagged, ideally at a full MCG. Boot polish must then be applied to his privates.

4. The man Vaughan who helped destroy the team with his whining about his knees must be tarred and feathered, then horsewhipped.

5. The man Flintoff must be sacked as captain and placed under house arrest pending an MI 6 investigation into his decision to bat. My long term choice as replacement would be Dalrymple, who may not be that great a player yet, but who reminds me of Brearley in that he appears to have a functioning brain.

6. The one known as Montgomery Panesar must be stripped of his Beard of the Year title and forced to shave. He must also GET A BLOODY HAIRCUT.

7. The evil S.K.Warne must be fed a Polonium-20 Pizza.

8. Before the next tour the entire team must be sent on a Marines training course. Those girly boys who fail; wet themselves, or just burst into tears must be gelded on the spot.

9. The Barmy Army must be issued with proper uniforms, including breeches, jackboots and proper leather straps. There must also be an immediate purge of suspect elements within the ranks.

10. All members of future touring parties must be forced to sign an oath of allegiance to Her Majesty The Queen, who, until the Ashes are returned, will be offered safe accommodation at National Emergency Committee Headquarters.

The Leader.

NEC HQ, Day 1 of The New British Calendar(formerly known as 28/12/06).